Standing at a gaunt 6-foot, 4-inches, Kyle Pagan just looks out of place on this planet. Once you get to know him, that inference becomes a fact. Let’s take a look into Pagan’s oversized, confusing life.
Too tall for his own good, there is a good chance that Pagan does not get the required amount of oxygen to reach his brain, which sits inside his misshaped skull, which further sits atop his unfit frame. This is not meant to be slanderous: it’s just the way it is.
Here are some of my favorite Kyle Pagan stories:
The Most Clueless Bookie of All-Time: During his senior year – the first time, not the victory lap – of college, the lanky goon chose to try his hand at being a bookie. With the Super Bowl coming up, Kyle gleefully took prop bet after prop bet, thinking he would make away from the big game with a hefty profit in his pocket to use on size-17 shoes, XXL sweaters, and knee braces.
With Super Bowl XLIX fast approaching, my friends and I saw a tweet from Sportsbook.ag stating that they had frozen all bets on the length of the National Anthem due to heavy money coming in on the over. Seeing this tweet, four of our friends immediately contacted Pagan stating that we would like the max bet on the over for the National Anthem. Not expecting a thing, again because he is an idiot, Kyle accepted the bets. About an hour later, we all watched with joy as the time went well over, and the overgrown Demogorgan was in the hole before the game even began.
The Non-Existent Vertical: Despite his obnoxiously large frame, his waste of height is apparent. Posting his first points in a D3 Basketball Game, Kyle also let the world into the fact that he has no vertical. Blaming it on bad knees as opposed to lack of athleticism, Kyle can only reach as high up on the net as I can, and he begins a good 7 inches closer to the rim than I do.
Excessive Use of Exclamation Points!: If there were a world power rankings of who likes exclamation points, Pagan would be first! Kyle will use exclamation points even when they do not apply to the sentence before it! It is a gift and a curse!
The Demogorgan: While Kyle is useless for a lot of things, we actually found something he could use his wasted height for. With Halloween 2016 coming up, our friend group planned to dress as the cast of Stranger Things. Needing a large, able bodied human to play the role of the Demogorgan, we knew we had our man. All he had to do was wear the costume. He didn’t even have to speak. Pagan chose not to attend, instead dressing as the Most Interesting Man in the world, despite truly being the opposite of this.
The Jean Hat: Before I even knew Kyle, he had a close obsession with a denim hat. He apparently wore it out all the time. The hat’s whereabouts are currently unknown.
Now this doofus is my boss. After about a 2-week hiatus, I am here to save the day for K-Lot Chronicles. I am excited to work for Kyle Pagan.